Nobantu Shabangu

 My first time like my first love was not planned; living a closeted life could have possibly attributed to this, media contribution of the lack of visibility of the other sex can also be to blame. All movies, shows and stories I read were heterosexual, it was ingrained in my mind that people fell in love with the opposite sex and had sexual relations with them. I knew I was queer but because of the lack of the constant reinforcement of love and sex scenes which heterosexuals had plenty of, I was somehow castrated of being a sexual being. My imagination helped in that I had same sex dreams which scared at me first and had me thinking I was being attacked by demons; back then I was quite religious and so would pray away the dreams; they went away but then they came true when I had sex for the first time with the same sex.  
Many drivers will know of autopilot syndrome when driving, how one drives from home to work, mall, school, doctor and back home without actually being totally aware of the routes taken, or the time taken or the numerous gear shifts one has to complete- this was how I fell in love, it was unplanned but felt totally natural; a route of relating and navigating each other automatically. A feeling of fullness without the pain of a full stomach, where each nerve seemed to be alive and activated along with an awareness only Zen masters know. This was how it felt to be in love.  
I did not plan for the first time but I did read numerous books on coitus all of them about heterosexual sex and so was totally unprepared, not to mention that I was a late bloomer and rarely took time to get to know my body but the first time with the person I loved went well. It was a hot night and my body together with hers was on fire. I felt heat and vibrations in places I never knew existed. I felt like Goku going on super sayain six and like a winter’s dawn slowly came through and settled in the euphoria. The next day we did not speak of the events that occurred on that night and for a long time, possibly a year we never touched on the subject even though we maintained our relationship slash friendship. It ended and when it ended the person claimed they did not know that it had even started; I had overvalued our intimacy. We remain friends.  
A few years later I met a man, not the best man, but we feigned a relationship and when it came time to have sex I remember asking him if he had tested and if he had condoms. It baffles me to this day how I never questioned the various womxn I have slept with. Safe sex for same sex couples especially womxn who have sex with womxn is lacking; it is the least risky form of sex but given how people swing with their sexual preferences, anything is contractible and safe sex for all forms of sex must be emphasised. I believe an all-inclusive sex education should be in the school curriculum from primary school.  
Love cannot be placed in a curriculum, at least not the romantic kind of love, it is a privilege to have been in love, for it to come so easily and for its effect to this day. I sometimes wonder if I will feel the same away again for someone else, maybe if I stop comparing everything to the first time and first love, maybe then I will find myself on autopilot again, falling in love but not forgetting to practice safe sex.