28 September 2015 Monday

I sometimes feel like if I had met Debussy he and I would have been best friends. I am listening to one of his pieces titled Arabesque no.1. I sometimes wish God gave me the gift of music or singing, it is a talent that is always readily accessible. When someone claims to be a singer they can easily sing on the spot to prove it but if you’re a writer you first have to go into your archives and prove your worth through publications or acknowledgements.

This year has been a storm and even though it has settled down, a gust every now and then reminds me that it is not all over. I am at peace. I understand that happiness cannot be found, it cannot be created, it is not locked away somewhere in someone or someplace; happiness is.
I did move out of Johannesburg at the end of January this year.
In the last few days of January, in the early morning when it was still dark I got a phone call from the hospice my grandmother was in and they informed that she had passed on. I felt at peace because the woman there at the hospice was no longer my grandmother and feel she deserved to go, she had done her part, lived life to the fullest and loved the best way she knew how. After her funeral I could not write. Actually as I sit typing this I wonder where time went and I wonder what I have done with that time. To clarify my paternal grandmother passed and I moved in with my maternal grandmother, actually she disturbed me right now to let me know that she is experiencing heartburn. I cannot recall what happened between January and May but I do recall making arrangements in June to travel with my friend and his play. We went to Cape Town for a few days and then to Grahamstown in the Eastern Cape for the National Arts Festival. It was my first time there and I really enjoyed myself. I cannot wait to go back next year. I wanted to document each day there but I was always too busy or tired because I was also helping with the play- I was a stage manager. It was my first stage managerial work and there were days when I felt I did well and there were days when I felt I was just losing it all but it worked out in the end. I gained some experience from the gig.
I remember my birthday well because on the night my cousin and friends went to Kitcheners. If you claim to live in Johannesburg city and do not know Kitcheners or Great Dane then you do not live in the city, you merely exist in it. Kitcheners and Great Dane are the night spots where the lost, middle-class black youth and other colours of the rainbow hang out. I actually prefer Melville or my bed to those two but on the seventeenth of July it was my birthday and it felt rather anti-climatic to go back home. Kitcheners was a ball of psychedelic energy, the DJ was playing some shit music but ironically enough people were filled on the dance floor dancing, probably high on the same thing as the DJ. The DJ booth was wrapped with fairy lights that made it seem like I was lost in a dark twisted Disney film. I can’t dance to good music and this DJ was playing shit music so I sat down and drank my rum. A handsome guy sat next to me and we started talking but there was nothing intriguing about him and so I kissed him just for the fun of it. We spent most of the night together but when the club closed we went our separate ways. One of my friends asked me if I was straight because I kissed him, I kissed him because I was bored not because I am straight- simple as that. I would not be amazed if I found out he was gay. It is Joburg after all, sexuality goes according to the time; in the day you are one thing and in the night another. That night I did miss my flat because I had to drive all the way home to Soweto and my grandmother was sleeping so my cousin and I slept in the car.
In August nothing much happened and now it is the last days of September. I spent most of last weekend with my baby sister at a water park; she is way more adventurous than me, she kept going on all the water slides repeatedly and I went on just to say I went on. An adrenaline rush is the last thing I need after the year I have had.
I have been going to the gym religiously; it fortifies both my body and soul. I recently acquired a personal trainer and I feel she is interesting and might add to the chapters of my life.
I feel I am coming into myself, meeting myself in the centre, stitching all remnants of myself together without disregarding the dark, painful and ugly pieces of myself. I feel like I have always been whole but I needed to be broken to realise this. I am fearless because death has touched me so many times without my permission and without any sensitivity to my condition and age. I have realised that money cannot buy happiness but it does make life more bearable and easier. If I fall, if tragedy strikes I know me. If love should come fiercely and strongly I will take it in like a wave breaking on me. I know it will hurt, it will sting but I will enjoy it leaving me by caressing my feet as it regresses from the shoreline preparing itself to come back and crash on me again. This is life lived.

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