23 October 2014 Thursday

The storm came out of nowhere. I wonder what I looked like running and screaming across the wet street like an idiot. When I woke up this morning the sun was shining and the skies did not have even a single cloud in sight. I woke up early, exercised and then proceeded to work on my short story. It was a good session I wrote a lot and it seems to be going somewhere. I have exams that will start in November and I am way behind with the study material and I thought I would have time today but the writing session took longer than I thought. Right now the sky is dark and rumbling, and I am in my gown and wishing I had a hot cup of hot chocolate. I am out of almost everything except peanut butter and lentils. Isn’t it funny that when one is broke one wishes they had all the junk they could eat, why is that? My head is all over the place. After coming from work today I got into bed and tried to study and exhausted as I am I did get productive for about an hour- it is better than nothing. I then stared at my hands and started wondering who’s they were. Yes I’m getting demented I think it is all the stress that my mind and body has to deal with it.
I called my grandmother while I was at work; she can speak now and has been discharged. She now stays with my great aunt. With everything that has happened this year I have realised that coming out is not such a big issue, I mean they are bigger things to life, like actually living it rather than spending time trying to define it. I love both my grandmothers and I wonder if I will ever come out to them; I don’t want to break their hearts but also I don’t want to end their lives by shocking them about my lifestyle or more specifically my sexuality because to tell the truth right now my lifestyle is not dictated by my sexuality, it is dictated by money or rather lack of it and my mood swings.
There’s a young female I spoke to yesterday. I always see her at the bus station. She has this cool hair cut and the hair itself resembles the colour of red velvet cake. She has smooth skin and cute little pink lips and this delicious round bum, just so intact. I learnt that she’s studying to be an architect and then from then on we flowed into a conversation that unfortunately was cut because I was at work and her mother was there to pick her up. I don’t know what her sexuality is nor do I care. I just like talking to her and staring at her and just being my awkward self around her. She has this thing about her, an aura only a dyke possesses but I might be mistaken. I might be daydreaming- it’s fun. It’s fun to be single because you can do all these crazy things and blame it on the thirst, when you’re single you’re brave because you’ve got nothing to lose. That being said singleness does have its cons like right now when lightning is striking and streaking across the sky like veins on a bodybuilder’s arms. I like the silence I am met with when I come back to my place but sometimes I wish there was someone to greet when I open the door and then once I’m inside and they start blabbering, I tell them to shut up. It’s funny right, to want to have someone who’s voice you’d like to hear and then tell them to shut up because you can or because you need to hear the silence to appreciate their voice and presence even more. I know it sounds insane but that’s just me, that’s just how I am. I pity the person who falls in love with me because I can be emotionally demanding and emotionally unavailable both at the same time but when I love I love hard, it is hard for me to let go even if the other person has let go of me.
I’m thinking of Oscar Pistorious and what he is up to in his cell. I get the feeling he thought he would never go to jail for his offence of murdering his girlfriend. I pity him what his lawyer said was right; the man has to live with the killing on his conscious until he dies and that is a punishment that will never end.
My head is reeling because I’m thinking too much and also I’m starving and also there are police sirens echoing from all sides of the city. It is phuza Thursday after all maybe there is some rowdiness. I feel so old because I rarely go out and it’s almost a month now without a drop of alcohol. I think I’ll go back to drinking at the end of November because then my exams will have ended and I will be a little less stressed.
Right now I’m going to eat the little bit of muesli and yoghurt I have left. I’m going to watch some of my favourite sitcoms on my laptop and then fall asleep to them with the hope that tomorrow doesn’t end with a storm.

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