Nobantu Shabangu

I don’t know why it is that the happiest children are found in Soweto. I’ve been to the west and the east of South Africa but there are no happier children than that found in Soweto. I can’t help but fall into their happiness, I can’t help but skip with them when the skip that rope, I can’t help but run with them on the dusty pavements unafraid of reckless taxi drives, I can’t help but want to throw my head back and laugh and laugh as if the sun will not go down. Oh what beautiful children- how radiant they are, how at peace they are.
I went to see my grandmother today after being with Xoli in the Sandton. We ordered two healthy pizzas and just caught up on our lives which is funny because I had seen her about four days ago. I just love her. She kept telling me about her love life and it was interesting except when it came to me I had nothing to say. Actually I had a lot to say it’s just I don’t think she is ready to engage with me about my sexuality. She has to know that I am not straight; I mean I have dropped so many hints and even told her that I could date women. It hurts; it really does that when it comes to topics about relationships I feel like a void when I in fact have so much to tell. In time in time we’ll come to a consensus of talking about my relationships, I don’t mind waiting for her to get comfortable.
My grandmother was okay as always she had complaints and grievances about our lives, especially my brother’s. I just wish he would grow up and be responsible- the life he is living right now is stressful especially more so now that he has a girlfriend and two children- if he dies what will happen to them? I shudder to think. I hope wherever he is he is safe and breathing. I cannot go through another death this year- it would break me and definitely my whole family.
My other grandmother is in hospital- I think the stress of my father’s death got too much and also she is old and dementia has set in. I just want her to hold on until next year just to see another year- again I cannot go through another death- I simply cannot.
In my heart I feel like my play might not get picked up and to tell the truth that has truly devastated me or will devastate me. I have not yet got final word but I did get an email about the next workshop in July which made me think that maybe my work did not get picked. I think I now have to propose it to other theatres that may be interested. God-willingly I will find one that will be interested.  I can only hope; I have no other choice. I can only keep dreaming; I have no other choice. I can only keep working on my craft; I have no other choice. I can never slip. I must never doubt myself and my worth as a writer. I’ll try each month to take a getaway trip to some nice lodge and write. Just to disengage. God be with me. God be with me this month and for next year. God be with me always.