30 May 2014 Friday

I was woken up by an angry RnB song that my neighbour was playing on full blast. I am not a fan of RnB even if it’s the romantic type and I’m also not a fan of being woken up by music but she kept replaying the song and eventually I got out of bed. I then proceeded to procrastinate by dancing to kwaito songs. The initial plan before I slept last night was that I would wake up and do my laundry- I didn’t.

I rearranged my room until I was satisfied with where the bed was which was where I had initially put it before deciding to move it around. Time flies when you’re doing nothing unlike when you’re at work and dying to go home; before I knew it it was time to go out and catch a movie with Sabo. We got on the Gautrain and within five minutes we were at Rosebank and we found the theatre was empty which is when I enjoy movies most. X-men was brilliant but I have to say Jennifer Lawrence as Mystique will never be like when Rebecca Romijn played the part. Rebecca was just a goddess, she had the sexiest torso I have seen and she was really tall. Jennifer does her best but still I prefer Rebecca. I enjoyed the end because it gave me a glimpse into the next movie. After the movie we did a little grocery shopping- I bought wine and chicken fillets. The funny thing is I have one wine glass and no pots, I don’t know how I’m going to cook the chicken- I’ll have to go to Sabo’s and cook it there. Right now I am enjoying the wine I bought.
I spent most of last night drafting out my finances for the next seven months- the prognosis was not good. I have to somehow save more money and get more money to keep afloat. I’m going to have to eat like a bird and walk everywhere; the good news is I know it is for the short term, most of the problems will sort themselves out, if not I will just have to hold on until God sends me a miracle.
The sun keeps rising more and more to the left, winter is settling in and I am not happy with that. Wish I could go away and come back in spring but then again I revel in pain, it is a familiar feeling so much so that when I am happy I have to make a mental note that I am actually happy, and then I get deliriously happy.
I miss my father; we were not close in the sense that we called each other every day; it was sort of like a long distance relationship, sort of like the moon and earth. We revolved each on our own axis but we were connected strongly to each other. No-one could break our bond and only we knew the conditions of our relationship- those outside could not understand. It’s life I guess, we live and then we die and all that happens between, all that content is what matters most. I feel I am hurt and angry because he was such a busy man, he always had business plans, and he slept three hours and worked more hours than anyone. He had so much more he wanted to achieve. To shoot someone like that, it takes a special kind of human to practise such evil.
I have been looking at my Bible with the intention to read it for comfort but I haven’t opened it. The Bible is older than my baby sister who is ten and it was bought for me by my grandmother when her bottle store was still successful. Some verses sprout up in my mind from time to time because those particular ones were etched into my memory by the whippings of my Sunday school teacher.  I wonder how hard she would whip me if she saw me sipping this wine, I remember those whippings very well; it might be the core reason why I enjoy pain in some contexts of my life, in the context where I can control the pain received.
Gosh I am messed up but then again everyone is messed up on some level especially here in Johannesburg. You meet people who are as broken as yourself or are in even worse state of brokenness; everyone is rushing trying to fix themselves, trying to fill the potholes of their souls, some with potent substances, some with money and others with other people, they learn too late that the other person has a pothole that she or he is trying to fill too. Brokenness cannot heal brokenness. Maybe we should accept the potholes in our souls and when the sun rises we let it shine through and we beam light onto each other; and then we hold each other in silence, in strength and most importantly, in love, and then we let it illuminate. We are broken but we have love and love prevails.

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