29 May 2014 Thursday

Beethoven’s 17th sonata in c minor (otherwise known as The Tempest) is playing as I am trying not to pass out. I have drunk some wine and had some dark Belgian chocolate- I have to say the Swiss are better at making quality dark chocolate; the Belgian one I felt was a bit too weak, there was no richness to the taste. I finished the wine and wish I had bought a second bottle, I have made a mental note to buy another one tomorrow or should I say today as it is now five to two in the morning.

The silence of this time is really comforting, it’s like my body is reassembling all the parts of myself that got disseminated during the day. Slowly my things are assembling themselves as they should, I feel my future plans are quite achievable.
I am exhausted, slightly drunk and my head keeps tipping over. I have many plans for tomorrow one of them is an important visa appointment which I hope not to miss. I think I’ll use the Gautrain as it is in Sandton and I hate driving.
I saw my brother today in one of the buses, he asked me how I was and I told him I was coping. Coping means you’re coping, it does not mean you’re in a stable state of mind. He asked me again if I was fine, it is one of those questions I hate because even when you’re not fine you’ll simply tell the person that you’re fine. I love my family and wish each family member a prosperous future; as I grow I realise that it is quite possible to love from a distance, to act as an individual even if from birth you’re taught that you’re part of a unit. It is the perpetual struggle of every young modern African; fighting to self determinate without it seeming like you see yourself as better and higher than those of the unit (family) you come from.
I have a bought my first ever kettle, it is small, cute and shiny. This is the moment I have dreaded all my life. The moment when I realise I have become like others in that I have started buying things to make a home. I have a restless soul and believe home is where you make it; I could be sleeping under a tree and it could be home to me, but society depicts that I buy furniture and appliances and crockery and bedding to feel like I belong somewhere, these materials make one believe that they have grown up, that they’re a stable member of society. What I have learned is that just like how money can never be enough, the need to buy and furnish your life will never reach satiation.
I believe for now I am a moving tree; my roots do not want to implant anywhere, they’re still feeling the ground and will not settle for a long time.
I came to the revelation that nothing is permanent, absolutely nothing is permanent. If we are to believe the Christian story of the beginning of life we will understand that a permanent and absolute world went away when that female Eve ate the apple- everything is in transition until Jesus comes and creates an absolute and permanent world once again.
Humans cannot fathom a life where there are no routines or predictabilities, it is this fear that gets people stuck in insane jobs, with spouses they absolutely hate and children they never wish they had but because once humans have these ‘’assets’’  they feel they have life in control they keep perpetuating this insane cycle. At work almost all the females have fallen pregnant even though they have one or two children already, why I ask, and even though they do not have a straight answer their eyes tell me it is because of boredom and not knowing what one wants in life. I’d rather meander and wander than force a situation that makes me think straight. I will not conform simply because everyone has and has found that it works for them. I will not constrain myself to the rules and framework of the patriarchal paradigm.
There is a particular female on my mind. I knew from the first time we met that I wanted her in my life, she was intense and I sensed there would be a lot of baggage to work through with her. She is younger than me which I am not happy about because I usually like people who are older than me especially when it comes to women. The sad part is I lost her numbers when my phone decided to die on me, the good part is I know where she works and I’m thinking of going back to get her numbers. Last time I spoke to her she told me she had a girlfriend, I did not care; not that my intention was to come between two people who claim to love each other; no, I just want her in my life. She is a poet and a writer like myself which is both a potent and beautiful combination. The popular scientific adage is that like poles repel each other, I might just prove that theory otherwise.

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