I am exhausted. I took a long shower to ease my aching muscles; I don’t know why they are sore because I didn’t exercise today. I did walk up eleven flights of stairs to go see my senior manager because my payslip was missing a few numbers. It sucks because I’ll only get the missing amount at the end of the next month meanwhile I have to bills to pay. I did not get wine or dark chocolate which is what I usually get on pay day instead I ate a very fatty lunch: hot wings accompanied by cheese and macaroni. I haven’t had cheese and macaroni in years (I think); it was a good way to eat my emotions because I am heavily stressed. Nothing makes me more bipolar than payday, I’m happy one moment and then sad the next for reasons I’m sure you yourself can decipher. I don’t want to live my life chasing money but money is what runs everything in my life, it’s not like I’m going to hug my car and it will automatically start. It needs petrol and petrol costs money and money has to be worked for.
I believe in life we have to do what needs to be done in order to do what we want to do. I also believe in living one’s life truthfully without restrictions. I have decided that the month of June is when I’ll let everyone know about my truth, a truth I am sure will not surprise them because I think it is quite evident what or who I am and what or who I am interested in. That being said I also think they are people who deserve to know the true essence of one’s being but then they are people who do not deserve to know all of you because they are not concerned for your best interests, they really do not care if you go up or down, if you’re struggling or winning- they just don’t care and what sucks is that these may be the very people you call friends or family. There are others whose goal in life is to shut down what or who you believe you are because they believe they’re right because you know God ordained them. There are others who are just plain ignorant and refuse to use their whole brain and so lack understanding of beings such as myself, these people are dangerous because if they do not understand why something exists they believe it should be exterminated- this sort of thinking is what propagates the negative energy connected to the rape, sexual harassment and violence against those who do not adhere to the gender binary or the heteronormative culture, and what is even more appalling is that such thinking is enacted by both females and males in the hetero community.
It scares me to think I could die at the hands of someone who refuses to understand how and why I exist the way I do, someone who believes it is their right to assert their beliefs on me and because our societies do nothing but watch, the possibilities of this terrible end are high. I shiver.
A few weeks ago I was coming back from the movies with Xoli and cops pulled us over. “Come on my brother” I said to him as I pulled the car to a halt. He immediately got furious and told me he does not like the way I greet him. He then told me to get out the car which I did, and then he told me to open the boot and I did. Once the boot was open, he searched it and then searched the car. He came back to me dissatisfied because he could not find anything incriminating but then he pointed out to me that my very existence was a crime. He told me he did not like the way I greeted him because that’s how lesbians greet and Xoli told him no that’s how we greet each other as Africans. I told Xoli to get back in the car because this man was obviously a woman hater. He then told me not to act the way I do, I nearly asked him what the fuck he meant. When he saw that I wasn’t begging him, he threatened me by asking me if I knew what he could to me, his partner walked around the car and asked if we needed to be arrested, he kept quiet for some seconds and told his partner that everything was okay. I don’t know how we got out of that predicament, I guess because after seeing how cold hearted he was I started to beg for him to let us go. I’ve always said I do not like the police and that officer proved to me why I should not change my perspective.
I do not want to go to work tomorrow but it is my last day and then I have two days off. They are so many theatre shows, documentaries and movies that I want to watch; they are all my favourite form of escapism. I really want to watch the sci-fi movie with Scarlett Johannsen, when I read about it it sounded interesting. Friday afternoon I’m going to watch the latest X-Men movie with Sabo, I really don’t want to drive so I’ll suggest we use the Gautrain. I don’t like driving but sometimes I have to. I think that the encounter with the officer has increased my hate for driving. Five hours of sleep are left for me and then it’s work time- where has the time gone?